16 March 2013

The Anniversary of Doom

In March, 2012, I was living in Knoxville, Tennessee.  Or, as I would sometimes write it, Tteenneessee.  On White Day, March 14, 2012, The Redhead sent me an email indicating her interest in me.  We'd become accquainted on Google Plus, and I'd been flirtatious at her, but figured nothing would come of it.  But on White Day, I wrote about Valentine's Day / White Day, and how lesbians interpreted the roles.  And The Redhead sent me a White Day present, indicating her interest.

We wrote a lot of email for a couple of days.  And she revealed that her roommate was leaving town for a few days, and that she was a little scared because the previous time that the roommate had been gone, she'd passed out and concussed herself.  She was afraid of that happening when she was alone, and of the possiblity that she could die with no one there.  So I stole money from my brother's "get out of jail eventually" bank account, put gas in my car, and drove the four hours to Charlotte to be with her while her roommate was away.

A year ago this very moment, I was waiting for her to get out of the shower and answer me, let me know if it was okay for me to come and keep her company.  She did, eventually, and I drove.  I stopped just across the TN/NC border, and got a side order of bacon at the Waffle House.  We were text messaging each other at each of my stops, and she was concerned about what I might pick up on my skin at the Waffle House.

So, when I arrived about five in the morning and found her sitting on her porch, I sat beside her in another chair, and didn't touch her.  We talked for about an hour, and then I got up and went inside, used the bathroom, and did a full nursing scrub from my fingertips to my elbows.  And when I came back out, I took her hand, and we talked for another hour or so, sitting on the porch, holding hands.

Eventually, we decided it was time to sleep, and we got up and went inside.  I hesitated at her bedroom door.  "I came here," I said, "with hopes, but no expectations.  If you want, I can go and sleep on the couch, and it'll be fine."  And she smiled, and took my hand, and led me into her bedroom.

We had a very good week together.  And that turned into a relationship, and that turned into the best six months of my life.  I felt like I was loved; I felt secure and happy.  And I didn't know what the future was going to look like, but I believed that she would be next to me as we went forward into it.  As we shaped that future for ourselves, to suit ourselves.

But then, she began to draw away from me.  She made new friends, and adopted a new religion, and one of the keystones of that religion was "No Homos!"  And she said, "They're going to have to yield on that," and she said, "any friend of mine will just have to acccept you," and she said... many things.  But in the end, she kept me hidden from her new friends, and eventually, she broke up with me. 

And the worst six months of my life ensued.  I miss her every day.  I cry at stupid things, because The Redhead would like them, and I can't share them with her.  I haven't spoken with her at all since Christmas Eve, and I don't expect that I will ever speak to her again.  And I'm coming to terms with that.  But... I still miss her.  And I still love her.  And I've gone over everything I've done, and everything she's done, and I don't see anyplace I could have done anything different.  I don't see anywhere I did anything wrong.

I thought that this relationship was going to be different.  I thought that she saw who I was, and accepted me for that person.  I thought that I was ready to have a real, grown-up relationship, and to make it last the rest of my life.  And I thought she was ready, too.  I thought that there were myriad little pieces of our lives and experiences that fit together and made us an excellent, an amazing couple.  I knew that she made my life better, and I thought that I made her life better.

But somewhere, I was wrong.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Evidently, somewhere you were wrong. But you are right. You DID nothing wrong. You simply believed in her.